Assertive behaviour is a communication style that involves expressing one's thoughts, feelings, and needs openly, honestly, and respectfully. Unlike passive behaviour, which involves avoiding conflict, or aggressive behaviour, which violates others' rights, assertiveness strikes a healthy balance that values both yourself and others. It is a critical interpersonal skill that supports healthy relationships and can be used with anyone including your parents, children, partner, colleagues, manager at work and friends. It reduces unnecessary conflict, and promotes mutual understanding. Utilising these assertive communication styles would help you set clear boundaries, advocate for themselves, and handle challenging interactions without resorting to manipulation, guilt, or hostility.
Common assertive techniques include basic assertion, empathy assertion, negative feeling assertion, broken record, and consequential assertion. Developing assertiveness enhances emotional well-being, boosts self-confidence, and contributes to more honest and respectful communication. As such, learning and applying assertive behaviours is an essential skill in both personal and professional settings.
1. Basic Assertion- is a useful way to express your feelings in a very basic way. It involves standing up for your rights, feelings, or beliefs in a clear, direct, and respectful way.
Example 1:
"I can't work overtime tonight. I have prior commitments."
This example shows someone asserting their boundaries without aggression or apology.
Example 2:
“I felt really happy when you washed the dishes after I made dinner”.
This examples shows that you appreciate the other person’s kind gesture and may inadvertently reinforce that positive behaviour.
2. Negative Feeling Assertion- This technique is used to express negative emotions in response to someone’s behavior, while maintaining respect and focusing on the behavior rather than the person. It involves describing the behavior, explaining how it makes you feel, and stating what you would like the person to do instead.
Example 1:
"I feel frustrated when I'm interrupted during meetings because it makes me feel unheard."
This communicates the impact of the other person’s behavior without attacking them.
Example 2:
"It upsets me when you leave your plates on the table after dinner. Please put them in the sink and wash them after you eat."
3. Broken Record- involves calmly repeating your standpoint or request without getting sidetracked, especially useful when someone is trying to manipulate or pressure you. It is important to remain calm without loosing your composure to maintain your credibiity and prevent any escalation. Calm repetition keeps the conversation centered on your needs or boundaries, rather than getting sidetracked by emotional reactions.
Example:
"I understand, but I’m not comfortable lending money."
"I get that you need help, but I’m not comfortable lending money."
"As I said, I’m not comfortable lending money."
This shows consistency and firmness without aggression.
4. Empathy Assertion- combines understanding the other person's feelings with a clear statement of your own needs or position.
Example 1:
"I know you're stressed and need help finishing the report, and I want to support you, but I have my own deadlines to meet."
This shows empathy without compromising your own boundaries.
Example 2:
“I understand you live quite far and there’s a lot of traffic enroute to work but I still need you to show up to work on time please”.
5. Consequential Assertion- involves stating what will happen if the behavior doesn't change. It’s often used in more serious or persistent situations. It’s important to start of by trying to resolve the situation to iron out any misunderstanding and create a shared understanding before applying a sanction or consequence.
Example 1:
"If you continue to miss our meetings without notice, I’ll have to involve the supervisor."
This sets a boundary and outlines the consequences of continued behavior.
Example 2:
"If you continue speaking to me in that tone, I will walk away from the conversation until we can talk respectfully."
Example 3;
"If you keep dismissing my feelings when I try to talk to you, I’ll have to seek support outside our relationship—possibly through counseling."
In conclusion, assertive behaviour is an essential communication skill that empowers individuals to express themselves clearly while respecting the rights and feelings of others. Assertiveness fosters honesty, builds trust, and helps prevent resentment, misunderstandings, and emotional burnout. Importantly, assertive communication does not mean being aggressive or confrontational; rather, it’s about being firm, fair, and respectful.
Whether in the workplace, family life, friendships, or romantic relationships, assertive behaviour encourages mutual respect and understanding. Learning to be assertive can take time and practice, especially for those accustomed to passive or aggressive patterns, but the long-term benefits are well worth the effort. It leads to greater self-respect, more satisfying relationships, and a healthier emotional state—making assertiveness a valuable and transformative life skill.
Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your perfect right: Assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships(10th ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
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