The 4 Communication Styles Explained: Which One Are You?

The 4 Communication Styles Explained: Which One Are You?

Communication is one of the most powerful tools we have to improve our relationships, emotional wounds and develop our self esteem.

It’s something we all do but so often we do it without thinking because we are communicating through patterns we learned in childhood or beliefs we hold closely. 


Communication can be divided into two different catagories, verbal and non-verbal communication. Verbal communication can either be spoken (conversations, meetings and voice messages) or written (emails, socail media posts, letters and text messages).  Non-verbal communication is expressed through our body language, facial expression, appearance (clothing or grooming), touch, use of space and paralinguistic features (tone, pitch, volume and pace of speaking).


We are likely to communicate ineffectively when our emotions are high (e,g when we are angry or hurt), not listening, jumping to conclusion or within an unfamiliar culture. However, we can improve our communication by understanding the four various styles of human interactions and they include:


  1. Passive communcation. This is when we do not express our thoughts, feelings, opinion and needs even in circumstances that requires us to be our own advocate. This means that you are respecting the other person’s rights to express themselves whilst ignoring your needs and right to self-expression. People often maintain passive communication for various reasons. It can be due to the fear of rejection, not wanting to hurt others or a learnt behaviour. If you struggle to express your needs, it’s important to understand where this stems from and who or what makes you maintain this communication style. According to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), passive communication patterns may arise from unhelpful thinking beliefs such as catastrophising (e.g. If I speak up then something bad will happen) or mind-reading (e.g. I think that others will think I am difficult). As time goes on, if passive communication is maintained, it can lead to passive aggression or agression. It can also lead to feelings of resentment towards others. 


  1. Aggressive Communication. This is when you express your thoughts, feelings, needs and opinion in a forceful, hostile and dominating manner. It may involve utilising confrontational mannerisms, pushy language and intimidating body language. Sometimes people utilise this form of communication because they believe that this is the only way they will be heard, have their needs met, win an argument or be respected. According to CBT, the negative thinking styles behind aggressive communication are, all-or-nothing thinking or negative assumptions. All or nothing thinking style pushes individuals to see things in black and white terms, for example: I am right and you are wrong. It’s important to reflect on who or what makes you communicate this way so that you can understand the root cause. When you understand your triggers, you can manage your response better.


  1. Passive-Aggressive Communication. This is when you show that you are upset in an indirect way without expressing your thoughts, emotions, needs or opinion. One may resort to sarcasm, silent treatment, eye rolls, witholding information, procrastination or banging doors to deal with issues. The problem with this communication style is that it causes more problems in the relationship, confusion and increases tension in the air, making it unpleasant to be around the individual utilising this communication style. According to CBT, the negative thinking styles behind this communication form is shoulds and musts and emotional reasoning. For example, ‘they should know what I need without me saying what I need’; and ‘I feel hurt, so I need to show them that they have hurt me’.


  1. Assertive Communication. This is the communication goal that we should all aim for. Individuals who communicate in this way respect their own rights and the subjects right to express their thoughts, feelings, opinion and needs. When you communicate assertively, you communicate respectfully, clearly and confidently. You express yourself without looking down on anyone or putting anyone down. You are likely to maintain healthy boundaries when you communicate assertively, you resort to asking for what you need, compromising if it’s necessary and engaging the other person at a time that feels right. Ultimately, assertiveness is about being authentic and respectful at the same time.

 

In conclusion, it is important to understand the four communication styles so that you understand the unhelpful patterns in your behaviour, make improvements and consciously develop assetive communication. The myth about assertiveness is that you will get your needs met, if you ask for what you need. This is not the aim or purpose of assertiveness. The aim of assertiveness is simply to express yourself. If you do not express yourself, you are likely to develop stress, frustration, resentment and an unheathy communication pattern.

 

Thank you for reading.


This blog was written by Antoinette © (All rights reserved).


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