Grief is a normal human experience that can have a life long impact. Grief is often solely associated with death of a human being but we can also grieve the loss of a pet. It can also arise following the loss of a relationship, pet, identity, health, dreams, stability, or even the version of ourselves we once imagined.
If you are stuggling with grief, pelase do not see it as a sign of weakness or failure; it is evidence of love, attachment, and meaning. If you did not love the person, you would not be grieving. You loved and you cared deeply about this person or thing and that’s human.
To understand grief more deeply, it helps to imagine it as a deep wound. When we get injured, it hurts, it bleeds and it takes a while to heal. Even when the wound heals, it leaves a scar. An internal injury like loosing a loved one, may not be visible to others but is profoundly felt within. Like any wound, we need to take care of ourselvses in order to heal. And just as physical wounds heal in stages, emotional wounds follow their own process too. One of the most well‑known frameworks for understanding this process is Elisabeth Kübler‑Ross’s grief cycle, which outlines the emotional stages many people journey through after a loss.
Grief as a Wound
Imagine cutting your hand. At first, the pain is extreme and overwhelming. Over time, the wound may bruise, swell, or bleed. It might sting when touched. It may take days, weeks or even months before it begins to close and heal. And even after it heals, a scar may remain evidence of what you endured. However, we can turn this scar into something beautiful.
The Japanese analogy of a broken bowl highlights that when something shatters, it can be repaired and turned into something beautiful. A broken bowl is repaired and the cracks are painted with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. This culture celebrates imperfection, history and breakage.
Grief works the same way. When loss strikes, the emotional pain can feel immediate and unbearable. You may feel shocked, numb, or unable to process what has happened. However, grief needs tending. Ignoring or actively suppressing it doesn’t make it disappear; it simply festers beneath the surface.
Healing requires acknowledging the pain, allowing yourself to feel it, and giving yourself permission to move at your own pace. And just as scars form on the body, grief often leaves emotional scars which are reminders of what was loved and lost, but also of the strength it took to survive.
Kübler‑Ross’s Grief Cycle
Elisabeth Kübler‑Ross introduced the five stages of grief as a way to understand the emotional journey people often experience after a loss. These emotional stages of grief are not linear, and not everyone experiences all of them. They can also all come at once.
1. Denial
Denial is the mind’s way of cushioning the blow. It’s the emotional equivalent of shock after a physical injury. You may find yourself thinking, This can’t be happening. Denial gives you space to absorb the reality of the loss slowly, at a pace your heart can handle.
2. Anger
As the numbness fades, pain often transforms into anger. This anger may be directed at God, the universe, people, circumstances, yourself, or even the person or situation you lost. Anger is a normal part of the healing journey. It is the emotional inflammation around the wound, signalling that something deeply important has been hurt. Notice how the anger shows up in your body and notice how you respond to this anger.
3. Bargaining
Bargaining is the stage of “what if” and “if only.” It’s the mind’s attempt to rewrite the story, to find a way to undo the loss. You may find yourself replaying events, imagining different outcomes, or making promises to yourself or a higher power. For example, ‘God if you bring my loved one back, I will follow you for the rest of my life’. Bargaining reflects the longing for control in a moment when life feels unpredictable.
4. Depression
This stage is not a clinical diagnosis but a natural response to loss. It is the quiet, heavy sadness that settles in when the reality of the situation becomes clear. Like the fatigue that follows a physical injury, this emotional exhaustion is part of the healing process. It is a sign that you are beginning to confront the depth of the loss. The depressive phase, can be all consuming as it affects your thoughts, emotions, body and behaviour. It appears when it finally sinks in that your loved one is no longer here and what that means. It may mean that you no longer have your confidant, your companion, your best friend. The realisation of what it means that your loved one is no longer, can trigger deep sadness.
5. Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean being “okay” with what happened or forgetting what happened. It means acknowledging the reality of the loss and learning to live with it and continuing with your life. Acceptance is the stage where the wound begins to close. You may still feel pain, but it no longer consumes or dibilitates you. You begin to rebuild, find meaning, allow yourself feel moments of joy and to carry the loss in a way that feels more manageable.
Healing Takes Time
Grief is not something you “get over.” There is no right way to grieve. There is no manual or timeline of how long grief should last. It is something you learn to live with. Some days the wound feels tender; other days it barely hurts at all. Healing is not linear, and there is no timeline. What matters is that you give yourself permission to feel, to rest, to seek support, and to honour your own process. It is important that you look after yourself and accept support from your loved ones.
Just as you would not rush a physical wound to heal, you cannot rush grief. You deserve compassion, empathy and love from yourself most of all.
This blog was written by Antoinette © (All rights reserved).
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